Why did one call revoke and recall every single moment spent together with you.

On Vineland past the candle shrine that burns on every night
For someone – she lets herself go
Like an angel in the snow
She lays down on her back
Down on her back – she goes

Take me over when I’m gone
Take me over make me strong
Take me over when I’m gone
Will they burn for me

On Vineland past the candle shrine that melts into the street design
She waits – for someone
Tonight she’ll give herself away
She’ll break apart all by herself
Sts so easy how we come undone

You may not be his first, his last, or his only. He loved before he may love again. But if he loves you now, what else matters? He’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if he can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you can break – his heart. So don’t hurt him, don’t change him, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than he can give. Smile when he makes you happy, let him know when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there.

I think maybe that’s the reason I’ve kept on.

Did you hear the amount of noise and chaos that went on in my heart today?
I don’t think you did. But i’m sure you must know how much you mean to me when you saw the tears forming in my eyes today as i looked at you, helpless. Helpless and speechless, in all our awkwardness.
You know, the saddest thing would be if one day you decided you wanted to live your life and make the best of it, but because of all the previous damage you’ve done to yourself, your body just gives up on you and quits functioning. Do you know just how sad i’ll be, if that day ever comes? Please stop this, please. My heart breaks a little more each time, and i don’t know how much more i’ll be able to manage. I love you like i’ve always said i do. And nothing’s gonna change that. Just please stop running risks on your life- I’m always here if you need anything, you know? All you have to do is ask. It’s really not that hard. And i promise you, i promise you i’ll find a solution to whatever it is that you’re facing. I promise. Cos there’s nothing i won’t try.
I love you.

Just please, enough. Because it hurts me to know about it. It hurts me to know that you’re still stuck at where i’ve moved on from. It’s lonely on this side of the wall. Won’t you come over and keep me company?
Things are piling up, tremendously.
And sometimes it feels like this is never going to end.
You know, i was never really good enough for you – not by any standard.
I know i’m not the perfect girlfriend, and that you never did ask for perfect because you’ve never desired perfection; there isn’t really such a thing anyway. But i’m falling short in so many aspects, and i just can’t seem to keep up with anything these days- the work, the emotions, the stress, relationships, the pressure, the emotions, the emotions, the emotions.
I want this all to end- i know i’m breaking you down with my breaking down. And this relationship is breaking down. Because of me.

As much as i want to hug you and hold you and have you right here right now to cry on and be with, i want to rid you of the burden i represent. And like you said, there are some roads in life that i have to walk on my own.

I know the past two and a half weeks have been tough. But it’s been tough for me too. And it won’t let up for me- at least not yet. There’s more to come.

I love you so much, you know? I do.
I might have changed, but the love hasn’t changed. This life is just taking a toll on me.

Someone who’d understand every single emotion i’m going through.
To break my fall when i’m breaking
down.
Even in the random-est of moments.

Inexplicably, the roaring in her ears made it all seem so surreal. Almost as if black could turn to white, once she opened her eyes again. The haze would not subside. For sure, there were times when it all went away- but it never failed to return, thicker than ever and its cloying scent lingering on like stale smoke. And like a debilitating disease, it broke her down. Bit by bit; day by day- and more and more each time. The scars accumulated but she kept them hidden, in search of a better day. “I’ve had enough“, she told herself, for the thousandth time. But who was to say what’s enough? Who was to say “stop dishing out the pain“? And what did the world care anyway- they just kept coming, heads high up in their clouds of war, violence and anger. It’s no use, pushing against a brick wall. It’s frustrating. And you’ll only get hurt- not that it’s a bad thing, if taken literally. Especially if you seek to find comfort in pain. Pain to dull the pain, as they often say.

Tell me what happens, when all faith is lost in the one who used to hold your head up high and make your heart sing for the very existence of the relationship; when the time we spent in the past converge into an amorphous glob of meaningless facades which only serve to play over and over again in my head; when feelings of bliss dissolve to form lingering pain in the heart & when finally, all cause is lost. Tell me then, what happens?

Somehow I’ve gotten used to the life alone

I’m going to start drowning myself in books so I won’t think about any other stuff

Busy person!

Nightlife in the city with you- stay up with me, don’t fall asleep so soon. Skyscrapers and blinding lights that reflect the vibrance within, wanting so desperately to be unleashed. Cigarette smoke and alcohol so potent- tonight i will have the sweetest hangover. We’ll stroll along glittery sidewalks for all the world to see. They can’t stop us now; it was meant to be. There’s no need for the fluffy coat now, we’ll dance, skin on skin and our bodies will heat up like the fire within. We’ll keep each other warm for today; because we’ll leave each other so cold again tomorrow. We won’t obey the time- not tonight, we won’t. There’s too much to do, too much to see, and it’s finally just you and me. So take me where you please- we won’t leave the world behind because that’d just be too cliche. and besides, what’re our sinful escapades without the world and its wonderful nooks and crannies? So show me the way, and all that you know. All that you’ve seen and all that you’ve been. Show me your secrets and i’ll show you mine, because nothing in this world matters more than the way i’m feeling tonight- those ineffable emotions that run deep and etch themselves onto whatever that’s left of my reasoning and practicality, enshrouding and drowning them out slowly. I’m yours tonight and i’d have it no other way, so will you carry me in your arms and sing for me? Because i’d dance for you – just the way you’d want me to. We’re the Kings and Queens of tonight, we’ll have our fun. We’ll fall into a sleep-induced state of bliss, then we’ll awake with memories fresh of tonight.

The pink glitter and the amber glow.
Heels that go a-tapping on the wooden floorboard- we drown out all other sounds with the rhythm of our feet.
Slowly now, as the skirt dips and twirls below the knee.
Filled with legs that never tire, moving in synchrony with their partner’s, the room seems to grow bigger and bigger
as if making room for ghost dancers.
At the far end, a porcelain plate falls from the hands of a young boy, hitting the ground
and shattering into pieces.
No one sees, no one listens.
No one cares because they don’t have to.
Watch your step, you’re two counts behind.
The music will keep playing, and it’s getting faster now.
No, stop- you’re spinning out of control.
Don’t look over your shoulder because they’re three counts ahead.
Slow down my dear, you’re spiralling off in the wrong direction.
All you need to do is
focus.
Your feet and mine.
My heartbeat and your gentle breaths.
Our dance; your dance; you.

One recurring thought: I could actually keep living like this. The ups and the downs, the highs and the lows, the ins and the outs. And you.
Only you.

The solitary star that shines for me, when all else fails and the lights go out. I’m in my bed; i’m on the streets; i’m sashaying along sidewalks and you’re holding my hand; i’m dancing to the rhythm of your heart, just twirling aimlessly, spinning out of control and i don’t see another way; i’m everywhere and everything with you- You’re the biggest jigsaw-puzzle piece to my heart, fitted in with permanent glue, for You are a decision i never plan on regretting. Torn apart, we are but two completely separate entities, differing in countless aspects (a characteristic largely attributed to the fact that we’re both such strongly opinionated people). When put together, a fire so strong is created & we radiate heat from almost every pore or so, eluding all form of reasoning and practicality. For every time i hurt you or disappoint you, i want to take my word back almost instantaneously and assure you that it never was/is/will be within my capacity to trample on all that you’ve willingly laid down for me. For every time I make you feel like it was a mistake loving me, i want to tell you its nothing more than jealousy and insecurity that laid me down to this.  I never was just ‘’some other girl”; I want to hold your face in my palms and kiss your forehead and tell you that i’ll never ever come close to treating you the way your past girlfriends have. Though my words are inadequate, unfortunately, words are all that i am and all that i have. You are one concept that has superceded my relentless cataloguing, adjectives, adverbs, etc.. And for this, i am profoundly grateful. There are secrets in my mind that do not need definition- for you represent the secret of hope, which cannot be conveniently categorized. Once again, let it be said that I love You & all else pales in comparison.

With you around, my love, everything else blurs into nothing more than a pixelated mess in the background..

Nobody ever said it was going to be easy. Caught in the midst of a veritable swarm of people (who know nothing about anything, other than their own selfish wants and desires), with but a blurry whirlwind of activity going on around you, you come to find that the only thing that’s constant, reliable & maybe even somewhat tangible, is yourself. Sometimes it pays to listen to the thoughts within your head; you come to realise that none of the things that other people tell you actually mean anything- until and unless of course, you decide to process that information, justify it & undoubtedly agree with it. The pictures i put together with my pen aren’t always painted with a smile, but that’s the beauty of it; being able to appreciate Life at it’s highest and lowest points; being able to draw strength from one’s weaknesses and knowing that most things unpleasant will eventually come to pass- just like they always tell us. My motto (if i were ever to have one) would most definitely be, cliche as it may sound, to live for the moment. As far as i’m concerned, the future does not exist. What is, is. What is supposedly yet to come, hasn’t yet come- and thus, is nothing. Cherish what was, Relish what is, and at the very most, only but hope for tomorrow. Never, ever assume.

Right now, it’s a battle between the heart and the mind, and i can see the heart slowly rising up to claim its victory over the mind. I know this shouldn’t be the case, and i know i should really be thinking with my head for once.
My heart is surfacing its thoughts but time is ticking.. It never stops..

If only I met you earlier..

“If I told you I love you, would it make a difference?”
“If you told me, or if I believed you?”

Every time my parents ask me what I want to do for a living, I say “run a dog farm!!!”. I know that’s not practical or realistic, but you know, if I had the chance, that would really be THE job for me. I did consider becoming a Vet once (a long time ago) until I realized how much chemistry that involved and oh, not to mention physics and hardcore bio. I’d honestly have my wedding at a dog farm, if not for the fact that my guests probably wouldn’t turn up, ha.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in my own little shell. But then I know, every knitted brow, every surge of confusion, every wave of despair, every sliver of courage that wavers, He sees. Pain invisible to the naked eye, He sees.

You, I don’t know if you still come by and read these little excerpts of my humdrum life. It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen you—no fault of yours, I must admit. I miss our long chats, and how you used to come around (or drive by, more likely) at unearthly timings and text me from outside my window, down below. Take care, you. I really do miss you.